They Come Without Instructions

Book Review: Why Gender Matters

2011-09-28T19:23:00.003-04:00

I just finished reading Why Gender Matters and wanted to do a little review of it here.

I really liked this book because the author, Dr. Sax, showed good research about the biological differences between boys and girls (not the socialogical differences). He showed research done on the brain, eyes, ears, etc.

A few things I learned:

girls have better hearing then boys...the implications for this are huge--put a boy at the back of a classroom (where boys often sit) and they won't be able to hear, and thus will act distracted and become disruptive and then they might even get labled with ADHD...

boys and girls have different eye shapes, which means they see things in a different way. boys are drawn to movement and girls are drawn to faces...one example that makes a lot of sense in my experience are boys will draw pictures using only one or two colors of action (a rocket ship taking off, etc.) and girls will use lots of colors--pinks, yellows, greens, etc. and draw pictures of people

boys and girls use different parts of their brains for language and other activities (as simply put as I can).

boys are typically more willing to take risks and girls more tentative about risk-taking...I couldn't believe how many studies he presented that showed the same thing

Some suggestions that Dr. Sax gave that I want to remember:

Overall:

affirm your child's gender...it is a natural part of who they are. if they aren't comfortable with their gender and aren't sure of this central part of who they are, they aren't going to find a comfort level anywhere

don't discourage them from choosing gender typical activities, nor should you discourage them from participating in gender atypical activities if they choose

be aware of your child and their friends and activities...one of the best ways to do this is to have family dinners

you need to discipline your child...some things should just not be negotiable...and girls and boys need different dicipline styles. boys need more authoritative (strict), and girls need more "warm and fuzzy" or induction ("how would you feel if...")

gender specific cross generational activities should be provided for both boys and girls (especially boys)...Dr. Sax talked a lot about this in teaching boys and girls how to be successful and respectful individuals. Boys especially need to have time with men to learn how to be men (this is missing in most schools now because teachers are largly female)

know your child--know his or her strengths and weaknesses, and try to sense what he/she can become--don't push them in a direction that worked for you or another child, but help them see who they are and the goodness in them

on risk taking: for girls, encourage them to take risks...build them up, help them accomplish hard things, but don't let them quit if they've been hurt or failed; for boys, "affirm the knight"--aggression is natural and good for boys. you can't force a boy not to be aggressive, so find a way to allow this in a positive way (football, karate, soccer, etc.). when you take away boys opportunities to be aggressive it sometimes builds up and causes bigger problems

if your daughter is being bullied (and for girls bullying takes the form of gossip, ruining a reputation, isolating her from friends, and is typically done by close friends), take her seriously, and do what you need to to remove her from the friends doing the bullying..this could be having her participate in some different extra-curricular activity or can be as extreme as transferring her schools

Talk to your child about sex: know that boys (especially teenagers) have sex for a kick, and girls typically have sex to be intimate and to feel loved...both end up being hurt. it destroys each of their abilities to form and maintain healthy relationships. "practicing" romantic relationships in high school is practicing at the wrong thing because typically physical looks and popularity drive what forms the relationships. beware that the trend now is for teenagers to just hang out in large groups and not ever "pair" off, and kids have oral sex not taking it seriously

Bribes or Rewards....

2011-04-20T19:23:00.003-04:00

A few months back (November to be exact) there was an article in the Washington Post about people receiving bonuses at work for losing weight. The article went on about a lot of different incentives people are given for healthy behaviors--one doctors office even paid their patients money to lose money--and then went on to talk about this maybe being a bit unethical. Some people say that it is wrong to pay people to exercise or eat right (or whatever), and that it is simply "bribery."

In my opinion, we all need a little incentive to do the right thing sometimes--especially when we're trying to break a bad habit. If we're paying people to do unhealthy things that is a different story. We all get paid to work at our jobs (ok, so us stay at home moms don't get a physical paycheck we can spend)...and no one ever complains that it is unethical to pay people to get them to work. Who would go to work if we didn't get paid? Even if you totally love your job? Hey...I wouldn't even mind getting paid to exercise and eat right...that's always my intention, sometimes I just need a little kick in the pants, and a positive kick in the pants wouldn't be so bad.

So...to get to kids. I'm in the opinion that positive rewards, incentives, or even bribes if you want to call it that are a good thing--used in thoughtful, moderate ways that is. You may want to think about what the desired behavior is and offer an incentive that mathes up with that (for example, you wouldn't want to offer candy to get a kid to brush his teeth and put on pjs, but maybe an extra bedtime story would be appropriate).

Nightmares and Night Terrors

2011-04-14T21:47:00.003-04:00

My three year old has been having nightmares for quite some time. I think she's had a few night terrors as well. The other night she had night terrors throughout the night that were terrifying to ME. She was screaming (to the point she was choking), kicking, and shaking the likes of which I haven't seen for 15-20 minutes a go. I was ready to call 911 at one point. In the light of the day after it was over, I realized (thanks to a little extra info from healthychildren.org) that she was having night terrors. I'm grateful my husband held me off from calling 911.:) I feel like I was more concerned because she has had a febrile seizure another terrifying event for parents, but somewhat common and not anything to worry about (in and of itself). I know that both of these things are not harmful to kids, but in the moment...it's hard not to be overly concerned. Why didn't anyone tell me that terrifying moments filled with worry are a normal part of parenthood?

Getting ideas from others

2011-04-02T21:33:00.003-04:00

I LOVE not having to "re-invent" the wheel...so I love it when I find a good site for information that I really like. I've been frequenting a fun blog lately that has a lot of fun learning activities for preschoolers. It has games, coloring pages, hands on learning activities, holiday activities, and literacy connections. I highly recommend checking it out. Do you have any learning/teaching blogs that you check out?

Words and Language

2011-04-02T21:08:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been amazed at how quickly my girls are gaining language skills. My one year old is understanding language in ways that surprize me everyday, and my three year old is communicating really complex thoughts. I'm really in awe about children's ability to learn, and especially their ability to learn language. Tonight I listened to a radiocast on words and langniguage. Words give us meaning and change the way we experience this world. One interesting fact about kids is that around the age of 6 certain language processing skills are developed. Hum...maybe this is why age 6 is the age that most kids are really developing literacy skills. In the March 11, 2011 Science magazine, there was an article about how children gain language and that they make generalizations correctly when exposed to limited data when statistical computer models say those generalizations shouldn't be made. The human mind is incredible. The article pointed out that we do this as adults as well, but that children are doing it constantly.

"I Think I Can, I Think I Can!"

2010-11-15T20:04:00.004-05:00

Self-Efficacy is the ability to define a goal, perservere, and see oneself as capable.

The building blocks of self-efficacy:
1) Opportunities for mastery
2) Allow opportunities to observe others succeeding at the task
3) Direct persuasion by others (giving specific feedback about strengths that will help accomplish the task).
4) Positive emotions

Here are some ways we can develop self-efficacy:
*Challenge negative thoughts and replace with a postive truthful idea
*Teach goal setting
*Notice, analyze and celebrate successes
*Use process praise (notice the efforts and specific steps a child has taken to accomplish something)
*Provide opportunities for mastery experiences
*Be honest and realistic (we aren't going to succeed at everything--talk about it when there is a failure, talk about what he/she could have done differently, and what strengths he/she can use to do better in the future)
**Slow down and really notice what your child is doing
**Be specific--specific praise (i.e. you dribble the ball really well) and not just general statements like "good job."
** Name strengths

--Information taken from NASP Communique, Nov. 2010, "Self-Efficacy: Helping Children Believe they Can Succeed."

Gratitude

2010-11-15T20:03:00.003-05:00

I feel like I've read a lot of professional articles lately about the power of gratitude. This is an important characteristic to cultivate in ourselves and in our children.

What are you grateful for today?

Bringing Up Moral Children

2009-10-08T21:18:00.002-04:00

I've been reviewing one of my favorite "textbooks" from one of my child development classes. I think it's a great (and necessary) read for every parent. I may be doing a few posts on some of it's contents. In the meantime, check out this book (Bringing Up Moral Children in an Immoral World).

Oh, and I think because it was used as a textbook, it is really inexpensive to get.:)

Feelings & Reflective Listening

2009-09-13T14:44:00.002-04:00

I just finished reading the STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) Parent's Handbook. Great book! I will list a link for it on this site in case anyone is interested.
There are many great skills outlined in this book. I will share a bit on Reflective Listening.

It's important to listen for feelings so your kids feel understood & can get your help with thinking about what they are feeling or thinking through their problems. Reflective listening, or listening for feelings, is actually a skill that can be learned. Here's how to do it:
1. Listen. Pay full attention to your child.
2. Hear the feeling Think of a word that describes the feeling. Also ask yourself: Why is my child feeling this way?
3. Use reflective listening. Think of yourself as a mirror that reflects your child's feelings and the REASON berhind the feeling. Use the format: You feel ____________ because _________.

One example (from my son's life): "You feel angry because Matthew took the toy you wanted to play with." When you use reflective listening often, it will feel more natural and you will be able to use your own words. But using this format is a great way to get started!

Potty Training

2009-07-12T21:33:00.002-04:00

What sort of parenting blog would this be if there were no post on potty training? I certainly don't have any research-based implications to share on the subject, but I will share my own son's story here just for fun and you can take what you want from it. If you have other success stories or ideas that worked for you, please feel free to leave a comment and share with the rest of us!

My son had just barely turned 2 when we started our first round of potty training, which was unsuccessful because he wasn't quite ready. I took a week off of work armed with a big jar of bribes, the toddler potty, and a book I bought for a couple bucks off of ebay called "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day." McKay would sit on the potty dutifully each time I asked, and he was so interested in getting treats that he refused to get off. BUT, try as he may, he just couldn't make anything come out. It was frustrating for both of us.

This brings me to my first idea about making potty training easier: wait until your kid is ready. There is no rush. The advice I got after sharing my failed attempt with more experienced parents was overwhelmingly to WAIT - wait until they're ready, wait until they're 3, wait until after the new baby arrives, you get the idea.

So we waited.... and tried again shortly after McKay's baby brother Matthew was born. The timing seemed all wrong in so many ways, but McKay was ready. I got ahold of a new book called "Pottywise" (by the authors of the Babywise books). I highly recommend it! There was a checklist of signs that your child is ready to potty train, and it appeared that McKay was ready. We used the fast approach again (which is outlined in the book and is meant to work in a week or less). It worked! McKay was potty trained in about 3 days (urine) and 1 week (bowel movements). The key was to reward him not just for using the potty, but to make him check his underpants frequently and give him small rewards throughout the day for staying "clean & dry". The rewards for staying "clean and dry" were sweet food and drinks, which in turn made him have to go to the bathroom more often, giving us more opportunities to reward him with bigger, non-food rewards for actually using the potty. For fast results to occur, though, you really have to make potty training your sole focus for the 1-7 days it takes and you can't be afraid to use lots of rewards for those few days. The book "Pottywise" also has instructions for how to train at a more relaxed pace, but I just figured why take more time if I could accomplish it in 3 days?
Another key I found helpful and have confirmed with other parents since is the importance of NOT relying too much on pull-ups and training pants. When I put his underwear on and left it on even if we went somewhere, I found I was 100% committed to the process, which again helped for a fast training. And it only took McKay one time having an accident in underwear not to want to let that happen again - so he was more committed to the process too.

So... feel free to share your stories with us! I get to go through the process again soon with baby #2, who has a totally different personality than my 1st, so I would love to hear your thoughts or suggestions!

Let's PLAY!

2009-06-10T19:14:00.002-04:00

I've found myself often wondering if I am doing the right things when I'm playing with my daughther. Am I giving her enough attention, not enough, creating enough structure, etc. etc....?

Do you ever wonder how to best play with your kids?

In this month's Communique (the National Association for School Psychologist's newspaper), there was a great article about Play. I wish I could just copy the whole thing and post it, but I will just put some of the key points of it.

It quotes from The Hurried Child, saying, "play is nature's way of dealing with stress for children as well as adults....As parents, we can help by investing in toys and playthings that give the greatest scope to the child's imagination." The article continues to talk about the importance of play, and in summary, it states, "through play, children explore the world around them, imagine alternatives, solve problems individually or with others, learn how to negotiate, learn how to express their feelings, and learn to be creative."

The article points out some Key Strategies to Enhance the Value of Play .

Take time to observe your child's play
Let your child play without you
Give room to play (not only physical but noise space--let them move their bodies, laugh, be loud, messy, and quiet)--this will help them understand limits and boundaries
Create opportunities for free play
Go battery/electricity free for a day (the article talks about the modern toys that overly structure children's play, and leave little room for creativity, and notes that they should be limited)
Play with your child
Let your child Lead--this is not a time to instruct your child or for you to be in charge, however a time to reflect your child's feelings and reinforce their efforts.

For more information, check out this site, or this website.

Children's Books

2009-06-03T20:05:00.002-04:00

Reading with your child is really important. A couple years ago I had the opportunity to hear Jim Trelease, author of The Read-Aloud Handbook speak on the importance of reading out loud to children. In his book he makes a point that reading out loud to children does some of the following:

It shows that parents value reading
It provides quality time with your child
A pleasure connection is being made between the child and book and the child and parent
Both the parent and child are learning something from the books they are sharing
The adult is pouring sounds and syllables called words into the child's ear

He said the following: "It's not the toys in the house that make the difference in children's lives; it's the words in their heads. The least expensive thing we can give a child outside a hug turns out to be the most valuable: words."

I love reading books with my daughter and believe that it does give us a special connection.

So, here are some of our favorite children's books right now... (in no particular order)

Each Peach Pear Plum by Allan and Janet Ahlberg
Jamberry by Bruce Degan
B is for Bear by Roger Priddy
Quick as a Cricket by Don and Audrey Wood
Silly Sally by Audrey Wood
Heckedy Peg By Don and Audrey Wood
The HICCUPotmus by Aaron Zenz
How I Became a Pirate by Melinda Long and David Shannon
The Very Busy Spider by Eric Carle
The Very Hungry Catepillar by Eric Carle
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you See? by Eric Carle

***What are your favorite books you read with your child??

Overindulgence

2009-06-01T08:41:00.005-04:00

The other day I was working in a community garden and overheard a conversation between a few kids around 10 or 11 years old. They didn't realize that any adult was close enough to hear their conversation. What I heard shocked me. Maybe this kid was just really insightful or humble, but I feel that what he had to say should be shared.

They were talking about IPods and the conversation turned to Christmas....this is what he said--no edits on my part.

"I think I should only ask for one thing for Christmas this year. I was really overwhelmed by how much I asked for and got last year at Christmas."

Are we overindulging our kids by giving them whatever they ask for? Do our kids really need all the stuff we give them?

I often wonder about the amount of toys we think we need for our kids. My toddler is happiest when she is picking up rocks and sticks, playing in water, being pulled around in a diaper box, or just copying what mom and dad are doing.

Fun Website

2009-05-16T19:38:00.001-04:00

I just found a fun website for kids of all ages that I thought I'd share. Check it out.

http://fun.familyeducation.com/

FLIP IT

2009-05-15T20:20:00.004-04:00

FLIPT IT is a strategy designed to help us deal with and "transform" challenging behaviors in young kids (up to 8 yrs old). It was introduced to me by the staff at Head Start. I think it is amazing and works wonders with little preschool guys and gals. It really helps them learn replacement behaviors rather than just get rid of behaviors we don't want to see. I think the Devereux Early Childhood Initiative owns the rights to this strategy and even conducts trainings on how to use it, so of course I want to give them credit for it. Click here if you would like more information.

And here is a basic breakdown of the FLIP IT strategy with an example of how to use it.

Feelings
Limits
Inquiries
Prompts

Here is an example of how to use FLIP IT: Say that two preschool children are playing together. One child, Johnny, is excited to play with a truck. Ben decides he wants the same truck and grabs it before Johnny has a chance and begins playing with it. Johnny pushes Ben and steals the truck away from him. An adult could intervene using FLIP IT by first identifying Johnny's FEELING: "Looks like you felt disappointed when Ben took the truck you wanted to play with." Then, the adult could state the LIMITS for Johnny. "But we don't hurt others." Then, the adult could make INQUIRIES into what other options Johnny has for dealing with his disappointment: "What else could you do instead of hurting Ben?" and then PROMPT Johnny with an option: "I'll bet if you asked Ben if you could have a turn after he's done, he would share that truck with you."

Psychobabble

2009-05-15T20:06:00.002-04:00

One of my grad school books, "Solution-Focused Counseling in Middle and High Schools,"fell off of our bookshelf and onto my son's head tonight (don't worry, it's a paperback). While skimming through it earlier today, I was reminded of a few of the questions counselors use to help their clients through the problem-solving process. These types of questions help us reframe our problems so we can more easily come up with new solutions. I usually ask myself similar questions when I am trying to solve a problem in my own life.

Here they are:
1. The "Miracle" question: Suppose that one night, while you were sleeping, you woke up and the problem was solved. How would you know? How would things be different?

2. When is your problem absent or less noticeable? (noticing when there are exceptions to our problems helps us figure out how to solve them)

3. What advice would you give to another person who is dealing with this same kind of problem?

Try them out- they really work! :)

Teaching the difficult to teach

2009-05-14T09:34:00.003-04:00

This post is not really directed towards your own children, but rather if you are in a position where you have the opportunity to work with difficult children. (So for all you teachers out there...)

Again, this thought comes from the book, Becoming Attached.

"...it may be hard for the insecurely attached youngster to find such an alternate attachment figure because the strategies that he has adopted for getting along in the world tend to alienate him from the very people who might otherwise be able to help. The behavior of the insecurely attached child...often tries the patience of peers and adults alike. it elicts reactions that repeatedly reconfirm the child's distorted view of the world..."

"But if adults are sensitive to the anxious child's concerns, they can break through."

I love this last little part. I think this is the key for anyone, including working with your own child...being sensitive to the child's needs. A warm and responsive parent is the most important thing that a child needs!

Relational Aggression

2009-05-06T21:47:00.004-04:00

I just started reading a book about relational aggression (Odd Girl Out), and I really liked the description of why relational aggression happens more often between girls then with boys.

"...as Carol Gilligan has shown, relationships play an unusually important role in girls' social development. In her work with girls and boys, she found that girls perceive danger in their lives as isolation, especially the fear that by standing out they will be abandoned. Boys, however, describe danger as a fear of entrapment or smothering...The centrality of relationship in girls' lives all but guarantees a different landscape of aggression and bullying, with its own distinctive features worthy of separate study."

"Socialized away from aggression, expected to be nice girls who have "perfect relationships," many girls are unprepared to negotiate conflict. As a result, a minor disagreement can call an entire relationship into question....when the skills to handle a conflict are absent, the specific matter cannot be addressed. If neither girl wants to be "not nice," the relationship itself may become the problem. And when there are no other tools to use in a conflict, the relationship itself may become a weapon."

Tantrums and Aggression in Children

2009-05-04T14:33:00.003-04:00

I wanted to share an interesting thought from a book I've been reading (Becoming Attached).

This is concerning hatred and aggression (especially directed towards parents):

"Being allowed to have these feelings without being overwhelmed by guilt or anxiety helps the child to accept the ambivalence that is part of every close relationship and gives him the confidence that he can control his negative impulses, that they do not have to destroy him or those he loves."

"...even if his extreme negative feelings are too much for him, they are not too much for her; she can "hold" them, and through his relationship with her he will learn to manage them one day himself."

Swine Flu

2009-05-02T22:20:00.001-04:00

Here's a great resource for talking to your kids about the swine flu...

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/Talking_With_Children_About_Flu_FINAL.pdf

Why we do what we do...

2009-04-29T13:35:00.005-04:00

In my two previous posts I talked about behaviors having a "function" or a purpose.

Communication
To get something (like a toy, food, etc.)
To avoid something (my toddler throws tantrums to avoid getting in her carseat; a second grader may act out in class because he wants to avoid doing math)
Attention (good or bad--attention is attention)
Sensory input (my toddler cries and gets held--I think she likes to cuddle!)

Of course, things become habit, but it always goes back to the reason the behavior was started in the first place.

Conflict Resolution

2009-04-16T21:40:00.006-04:00

Does your child hurt other kids when they are angry or upset? (Mine used to - a lot!) I have worked with many physically aggressive kids and have come to realize that sometimes they simply need help learning & practicing good old fashioned conflict resolution skills. Here are some of the ones that are simple, but good for our kids to learn and practice using:

1. How to ignore it when someone is bugging you
2. Using words calmly but confidently (this one is good to practice in front of the mirror) to tell someone to stop doing something that upsets you.
3. Sharing, turn-taking (using a timer, perhaps), & trading.
4. Using chance to solve arguments (i.e., flipping a coin, playing jan ken po, throwing dice)
5. How to recognize that you are losing your temper and cool yourself down by taking deep breaths, relaxing, etc.
6. How to distract yourself or avoid conflict by choosing another activity.
7. Knowing when to get adult help if the conflict is serious or if you think someone is going to get hurt.

Once you have taught how these skills work, children learn them best when you or another adult is there to help them at the "point of performance" - that is, right when they are about to hurt another child because they are upset. Help your child take a deep breath to calm down, then suggest a non-aggressive option for them to use from their repertoire of conflict resolution skills. Or, as they get older, help them generate their own non-aggressive solutions to solving problems & then assist them in choosing and implementing a solution.

Problem Behaviors--Part 2

2009-04-15T09:42:00.005-04:00

The next part of the process of trying to solve problem behaviors is to create a behavior plan.

If we go with the premise that each behavior has some function, then the most effective way to change a behavior is to replace it with some other behavior. For some behaviors this means teaching the child a new skill, for others it may be just reinforcing a different behavior. The possibilities here are endless.

To figure out what we need to do, we complete the "ABC" part as described in Part 1, and use the information we have sorted out to drive what we will do to implement a "behavior plan."

For our sample question (see previous post), here are three steps I might try:

1) Planned ignoring--this is useful if the purpose of the behavior is to get attention (don't give the child any attention after they have stuck the object up their nose--the new consequence will now be that they have an uncomfortable object up their nose)--this by the way is one of the most effective things for tantrums--the key is not giving attention to the kid if they increase their behavior
2) Replace the child's behavior (sticking random objects up his nose) with another behavior. If we think the function is because he/she just thinks it is interesting or because they like the feeling of the things up his nose, we might try finding a toy where the child can stick small objects in holes, or something to replace that sensory need. If we think the function is to get attention, think about the "A" or antecedent--what is happening before hand??? Is there a way we can give him/her attention in some other way. Think about ways that would really work for your kid to get your attention and still be acceptable to you.
3) Reinforce the new behavior...some replacement behaviors simply are reinforcement enough, but if you are having the child do a new behavior to get your attention, you want to make sure you are giving them your attention when they do the new behavior.

If you have a hard time coming up with what you may think the function of your child's behavior is, and thus having a hard time coming up with replacement behaviors, it's okay. This isn't a natural process, but it can be very useful and very successful if you are consistent in your approach.

If you do try to implement something consistently and it doesn't work, go through the ABC's and come up with another strategy.

--Kelli and I have had more classes and workshops on this topic than we can count. If you want help with a specific problem behavior let us know and we'll try to walk you through different things you can try...we may just ask for a lot of information on the specific thing that you are struggling with!

Problem Behaviors--Part 1

2009-04-15T09:28:00.003-04:00

My friend Wendi asked the following question:

My two year old likes to randomly put small things up his nose so far that you can't see them. How can I stop this behavior positively and effectively? Telling him not to stick things up his nose hasn't really worked very well.

I have a really long winded answer to this (at least something you can try) that should apply to almost all undesirable behaviors.

There is a method called a "functional behavior assessment" and "behavior plan" which I used all the time in the schools. While I have never done this on a two year old, I have implemented it with kids with Autism and Down Syndrome (as well as many other kids), so I think the same principles will apply to all kids.

The basis of it is that all behaviors have some function or purpose (to get attention, for sensory input, avoid something, etc.).

When you are trying to stop a behavior that is annoying, dangerous, disruptive, etc., you need to first look at the behavior in a broader picture. The ABC method:

A--Antecedent (or what is happening before the behavior occurs)
B--Behavior (exactly what is the child doing)
C--Consequences (what happens after the behavior occurs)

I will use our original question as an example:
(Keep in mind I don't know all the details so I will put various possibilities)

A-- 1) kid is bored, everyone else in the house is occupied, mom is doing a million things and hasn't been able to give kid individual attention; 2) find small objects, find them interesting, trying to figure out how things work

B--kid puts small object into his nose

C--1) mom gets mad (kid gets attention--even if it is negative this is something the kid gets out of it--negative attention is still attention); 2) it feels good (this would be a sensory thing); 3) kid gets satisfaction out of putting something in a hole

I will post tomorrow about the behavior plan...what to do once you've kind of narrowed down the "ABC's" of the behavior.

Just Breathe

2009-04-14T13:14:00.002-04:00

We've all heard that we need to relax...this is actually a REALLY important skill for both us to learn and our kids to learn. I've always heard (in about every counseling class or workshop I've been in) that we should help teach kids to take deep breaths, but I never really understood the purpose behind it.

At one of the workshops I attended in February, I learned a couple of reasons that deep breathing helps us relax. I think this is good to know because it convinced me that it wasn't just in my head that it helped (although it kind of is just in my head:)...)

The first reason deep breathing works so well is that when you stretch your diaphram (which happens when you take a deep breath), it sends a message to the Vegas Nerve in your brain that tells your brain that it is time to relax.

The second reason deep breathing works so well is that it increases the amount of carbon dioxide in your body--too much oxygen overstimulates your brain.

If you aren't convinced, just try it--really try it. Just lay on the floor and breathe for 5 minutes--it makes a difference...have your kids/husband, etc. do it with you...make it a daily habit and then in difficult situations your kids will be trained to calm down. (By the way, you can't train a child how to relax when they are upset--you have to train them while they are already calm.)

Forced Choices

2009-04-11T13:23:00.004-04:00

Here's another simple trick that works with my son & the preschool students I work with at school: when you want your child to do something but they are refusing to do it, give them a choice between 2 different options. You choose the options... so both of them will be acceptable to you. I use this a lot when my son is refusing to transition to a new activity, such as from bathtime (which he loves), to bedtime (which he, um, doesn't love quite so much). I say something like, "It's time to get out of the bathtub. You can get out by yourself or I can help you." And then follow through is the key, of course - so I actually do help him out of the bathtub if he chooses not to on his own. This is a simple example, but you can always get more creative in your offering of options. Independence and control are so important to toddlers and preschoolers - giving them a choice instead of commanding or forcing them to do something can be an easy way to avoid a control battle or tantrum and can improve your relationship with them.

Can Do

2009-04-10T19:49:00.004-04:00

It's my turn to post!
Amy & I attended a great little parenting skills workshop together last year. I have found one of the simple skills we learned to be surprisingly helpful in parenting my 3 year old. It's called "Can Do" - you use it when you see your child doing something you don't want them to do (that never happens, right?) and it is meant to help you guide your child into a more acceptable behavior. It's a great alternative to the more negative "no," "stop," and "don't!" I find myself using too often with my toddler.

These are the steps involved with this skill:
1. Notice what you don't want your child to do.
2. Think of something your child can do instead.
3. Tell your child what he or she can do.
4. Help your child if necessary.

Pretty easy, right? But the trick is not to say"no" or "don't" at all when you use the skill - just calmly guide your child into the more appropriate behavior. The classic example is a child who is coloring on the wall - Tell them they can color on paper instead & get them some paper to help them get started. It gets more difficult in real life situations - but worth a try!

10 Tips for Healthy Sleep

2009-04-07T12:58:00.003-04:00

Create a consistent bedtime (within an hour)--be firm about the bedtime (the parent needs to set the time). Most kids actually need an earlier bedtime--depending on your child's age, choose an appropriate time (between 7 and 8 PM under age 5 is recommended). For more information about this refer to Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.
Create a consistent bedtime routine where you do things in the same order (i.e. bath, story, prayer, etc.)
Have a period of winding down (find ways to help your child calm down)
Avoid stimulating activities (including television, computer games, etc.) (Did you know that it takes your brain over an hour to wind down from the stimulation from a computer or television screen--this means that letting kids fall asleep in front of the tv is probably not the best idea).
Avoid large meals right before bed
Have as much exposure to sunlight during the day as possible.
Have the bedroom be a "sleep only zone" if possible. Or at least create a calming environment where sleep will be comfortable.
Have the room be quiet, dark, and slightly cool.
Don't eat foods or drinks high in sugar or caffeine in the afternoon or evening.
Place the child in bed before they are asleep.

What Makes you sleep?

2009-04-07T12:51:00.009-04:00

One of the main mechanisms in our bodies that help us sleep is our "Biological Clock" or Circadian Rhythm. This is tied to light...

Your body triggers melotonin to be produced when it's dark, but reduces production during the day. For some reason when we get lots of light during the day, it creates a better balance, and thus (the tip of the day):

Getting lots of bright light during the day helps you get better sleep at night!

How much sleep should your child be getting?

2009-04-01T20:31:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like you aren't getting enough sleep? Chances are, you aren't. How much sleep should we be getting anyway?

The following shows approximately how much sleep by age people should be getting. Are you or your child getting significantly less sleep than this?

3-6 months: 14 hours
6-23 months: 13 hours
2-3 years: 12 hours
3-5 years: 11 hours
5-9 years: 10-11 hours
10-13 years: 10 hours
14-18 years: 9 hours
19-32 years: 8 hours
33 + years: 7 hours

Did you know that up to 43% of children ages 2-14 years may suffer from a significant sleep disturbance?! If you are struggling with sleep issues, you are not alone! More posts will follow on ideas of what you can do to help your child.

Did you know that 18% of children who are performing in the bottom 10% of their school class have a sleep disorder?

Limits

2009-03-11T10:09:00.000-04:00

A kid's job is to push limits (as far as they can)...they need to find out where the limits are so they know how to act.

A parent's job is to set limits--and then keep them. Once the limits are set, a parent then needs to be consistent. If it's not okay to dump out mom's purse today, then it shouldn't be okay to dump out mom's purse tomorrow. Otherwise, if the kid gets in trouble, all the kid will know is that he/she got in trouble.

If you think about it, we are the same way--if we are expected to do something, we want to know the limits that we have to work in...how many times did you hate it in school when a teacher said "write a paper." With no other guidance this becomes a hard task...but when given further instructions, such as "within 2-3 pages," "due at such and such a date," and within certain topics.

*What limits have your kids pushed?
**What limits have you set that you find difficult to be consistent about?